How to actually get through to men about male violence against women

From public campaigns to in-person conversations, what kind of messages encourage men to see gender-based violence as their problem?

“Getting through to men about male violence against women“. Does that sound condescending? Maybe a little. Men aren’t children; contrary to the title of a popular 90s self-help manual, they don’t come from another planet. Ideally, it wouldn’t be difficult for them to grasp how all women’s lives are shaped by men’s violence. Every man would see male violence against women as a major problem – one he can, and should, help solve.

But of course, it doesn’t work like that. There are male allies out there, but too many men still hold poisonous or ignorant beliefs that drive, excuse and enable endless forms of gender-based violence. Men who find gratification in trading nude photos of women online without their consent. Who laugh or look away when their friends harass women in public. Who believe coercive and controlling behaviour is acceptable if they feel insecure in a relationship.

As a result, everyone from the World Health Organisation to the UK government’s Women and Equalities Committee agrees that if we want to prevent male violence against women, we need to challenge the attitudes behind that violence. Experts have long demanded drastic improvements to education around gender equality and healthy relationships in schools, and called for long-term public campaigns designed to shift misogynistic beliefs and social norms.

The suggestion that men need to be led gently into discussions about male violence against women is undeniably frustrating. It can seem downright offensive, when you consider that the fear of male violence can often prompt women to moderate their tone of voice – making themselves softer, gentler, more polite. Perhaps that’s why it’s useful, and necessary, for men like Goulden to step up into these conversations.

“Women have every right to be pissed off [about male violence], and when doing this kind of prevention work, you can still hold [men] accountable and tell them they’re wrong,” he says. “But for the conversations to be productive, you also have to meet them where they’re at and try to understand some of their viewpoints, even if it’s uncomfortable.”

Police Scotland’s “That Guy” campaign

Offer a reminder that everyone can change

Last year, Goulden helped develop Police Scotland’s ‘That Guy’ campaign, which encourages Scottish men to reflect on how they might be perpetuating sexual violence. While unflinching in its critique of male sexual entitlement, the campaign film is underpinned by a hopeful message: it suggests men who’ve harmed women in the past can choose to do better.

Professor David Gadd, a criminologist at the University of Manchester who’s spent two decades interviewing offenders and researching domestic abuse and masculinities, says it’s important to remind men that there is an alternative path to controlling, coercive and abusive behaviours. The alternative is to suggest that they’re incapable of change – or wait for their behaviour to escalate to the point that the police get involved.

Perpetrators of the most extreme forms of domestic abuse are very unlikely to change after being called out by a friend or watching a government campaign video on social media. Gadd says these men will need to work with skilled professionals on a long-term basis if their abusive patterns of behaviour are to be disrupted.

But, he adds, the vast majority of men “will never fully batter their partners in the way some filmic images of domestic violence would have it”. That doesn’t mean they won’t “check up on their partners, make comments about what they should and shouldn’t wear, that kind of lower-level controlling behaviour” – and these men may be reached through public campaigns and wider cultural conversations. “We’ve got to give those guys the option of walking their way back into having respectful relationships,” says Gadd.

How to talk to men about male violence against women: Beyond Equality avoid the term ‘toxic masculinity’ in their workshops

Talk about masculinity – without mentioning the ‘T’ word

Research published by the government in 2014 suggested that deep-rooted ideas about traditional masculinity, particularly those linked to controlling and aggressive behaviours, play a role in male violence against women. One solution is to offer clear, positive alternative ideas about what it means to be a man. But those working with men and boys know to tread carefully when talking about masculinity.

Nat Horne is the schools and volunteer community coordinator at Beyond Equality, an organisation that works with men and boys to help them rethink masculinity and prevent gender-based violence. “We were doing a workshop in a school recently, and I asked the [male students] what they thought the session was going to cover,” he says. “They were all a bit negative, and said” – he puts on a weary voice – “‘Toxic masculinity.’”